Go Ahead and Cry

I’m at the store and notice a mom with a small child. I quickly catch on that the child is holding a toy they want their mom to buy for them, but the mom is telling them to put it back. The child is upset and starts to cry. What do you think happens next? What does the mom say?

You probably guessed something like, “Stop crying!” or “That’s nothing to cry about.” or “Stop acting like a baby.”

We’ve probably seen one or more of these responses before – or maybe we’ve even been the one saying them. It seems that this is what we’re expected to say. But do these comments solve the problem? Does the child feel better?

It’s not just parents. Society encourages us to hide our feelings, to act like things are OK when they’re not. Sure, sometimes that’s necessary to get through a situation, but if we never allow ourselves to feel our feelings, it can cause physical and emotional problems now and even later in life. Instead of processing and moving through these negative emotions, we can get stuck.

What if the mom had said, “I know it’s hard when you want something you can’t have. It’s OK to be sad or upset.” Would the child have felt heard and understood? Would they have calmed down sooner? Maybe.

What if we told ourselves, “This is a difficult situation, and it’s OK to feel discouraged, angry, frustrated . . . ” What if we gave ourselves some empathy and some time to work through our emotions?

Now, when a friend or family member has had a bad day or is going through a tough time, I try to remember to validate their feelings instead of trying to offer advice right away.

Who can you hold space for? A friend, family member, coworker, or yourself?

“People have said ‘don’t cry’ to other people for years and years, and all it has ever meant is ‘I’m too uncomfortable when you show feelings.’ I’d rather have them say, ‘Go ahead and cry. I’m here to be with you.'” – Fred Rogers